I’ve been asked to die many times. To die to my fears, ideas, perceptions and things that feel so in control of my life.

In learning to surrender to the divine more, it often feels like I’m descending into chaos, far from order. That I’m further from my goal of a stable mental and emotional state than ever before, crashing out, consumed by the mounting waves around me.

It has recently felt embarrassing to admit this mental dissent; Anxieties have run ramped, depression lurks near, and visions of death often cloud my vision.

But as I unmask my true self to myself and inevitable others, I find myself feeling misunderstood, rejected and alone. Tumbling in the waves, struggling to find my way back to the top.

Yet, in the same breath (or lack thereof), I also find myself being more accepting of and to myself, my present circumstances and all that comes with it. To standing up more mindfully for the rejections that plague me for becoming more openly communicative about the realities of anxiety, fear and ideas of death.

But first, the roots.

Understanding the roots and the fears that topple

I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) in May of last year. I was prescribed meds but never went to pick them up from the pharmacy. Truth is, I was convinced that I could solely rely on my wellness routine to keep me afloat or simply stable enough.

Through talk therapy, much was uncovered — fears, worries, root causes. Some of these I’ve managed to have significant revelations in. I, hence, improved drastically and decided to take a 3 month break after 8 months of therapy.

At first, things were great. But then it happened: one big life event took away my sense of stability and plunged me into absolute chaos. It came around the same time as the eclipses this year. That season completely changed me and, admittedly, hardened my heart.

It took me away from the people and places I began to find safety in and led me back to my “trusted” practices of self-isolation and suicidal ideation.

And here’s the best part — I never stopped my morning wellness routine. I never stopped eating a balanced diet, practicing yoga, crying a ton, breathing, meditating and working out just about daily. I never stopped praying, practicing self-acupressure, EFT tapping, and spending time outdoors and with loved ones (to some degree).

These are many of the things just about any wellness practitioner will tell you to incorporate into your daily routine. Although these practices continues to offer me some relief and occasional shift in perspective, I was still left with pain, confusion, layers of self-blame and a foggy mind that even now I can’t seem to fully shake.

Even the beach helps. But when I leave, I’m left with a crippling worry that distracts me from the very tasks I need to do to consistently to be “successful” in my career. Even recently, I found myself shying away from a romantic interest that I actually really like…

How spiraling can get in the way

The thought of letting anyone into my heart space anymore than needed often pains me to my core; why should anyone see what I am struggling with when I am the wellness practitioner? When the wellness practitioner, even when maintaining their practice, is still afraid of life?

Well first I’m human, and that ego can get in the way of true healing when we think we’re supposed something else when the mind and body are calling for deeper truth.

In fact, admitting that life scares me is a weird thing to admit — that, in some capacity, I have been afraid of life. Even with me living many lives already, I managed to shield myself enough where no one ever really knew who I was outside of what I curated for others to know.

Fear has long kept me small and timid yet observant and calculated. It has also led to moments of YOLO energy where major life choices and changes were made. On the surface, those choices often looked like confidence, rigor and a healthy dose of spontaneity.

But, in truth, there were guided by fear. A fear of missing out, of dying young, of never achieving my dreams, of being complacent, of climate change, or dying alone, of not ascending, of not honoring myself, God and the planet.

Like a small cat in the wild desert, I’m was able to maneuver in the shadows, hunt at night and protect myself from potential larger predators.

But who are the predators really when life is arguably a play of the mind? When I’m not actually living to be alive?

Who am I really hiding from when I rob myself of the opportunity to speak my truth, be vulnerable, and share the most important parts of myself? Why should I ever be small for anyone, including myself? Including fear itself?

I learned a few months ago…

That like many other emotions, fear wants to be heard, felt and seen, but never truly held onto. We often demonize fear as well as ourselves and each other for feeling it. Fear is often abused and misused for power, control and those of the like.

But when we step back and look like at fear itself and our relationship to fear, we find ourselves in a constant battle with it. Paralyzed. Violent. Mindless. Victimized.

It’s been said before “that only thing we have to fear is fear itself” (FDR). But what if this approach convinces us that we have to fight fear, insistently, to no end?

Arguably, we may find ourselves at odds with life itself.

I find fear to be a natural part of life. The difference is how long fear is meant to last, how long we hold onto it, and (of course) how we use it. Generally, in fight, flight, freeze or fawn response, fear is meant to last a few minutes or until the threat is gone. It produces a series of bodily responses so that we can protect ourselves and our loved ones when a threat arises.

But many of us suffer from chronic fear (aka GAD). And that’s when life can get really sticky, tumultuous and uncomfortable for a very long time.

Now, I don’t promote overindulging in fear; that is a slippery slope. And in fact, requires some level of self-awareness and self-regulation to recenter and ground the self in a space of neutrality.

But what happens when we allow ourselves (me included) to approach fear through love, meaning a lens of loving eyes and intentions?

This means that the root of the fears we carry, the demons that may have formed from those fears, and the very decisions we may have made because of them can be witnessed, accepted and moved in the unconditional grace of love.

Coming to terms with what must be done

I’m finding, gradually, that I have to come to terms with the consequences of holding on to fear too tightly or letting it dictate my choices. Sure, it often feels easier to lead with fear, especially if that’s all you’ve ever known.

But what happens when we continually challenge ourselves to lead with something else: Love?

I’ve had glimpses of what this can feel like. A whirlwind of bliss; a downpour of opportunity I willfully accept; an embrace of fiery warmth that perfectly molds to my skin.

Yet to remain in this space often requires practice, especially for someone like me, enmeshed in anxiety daily. And what I see now is this practice may take months of concerted and conscious effort to make the shift. In fact, it’s that very effort that I deserve to put into my experience. That any us deserve to offer ourselves, especially if it means actually living.

The truth is that I don’t have all the answers; if I did, I wouldn’t be writing this. But I do have an idea: To let love win a little more. To let the scales even themselves out. To find neutrality again so fear no longer has a tight grip on my mind and body.

And sure, not everyone will know how to manage or be around us while we’re going through this process, while we’re changing yourself. But at least we have Spirit by our sides, guiding us on how to let go and rewrite fear-coding with every breath, mistake, realization and transformation along the way.

I encourage you…

Like I will, to make a promise to yourself, an oath if you will.

Here’s my oath that I will honor starting today:

“I release my grips on fear and it’s grips on me. I invite in love with each breath. I let love win, lead and guide me every step of the way, through the darkness and the light. Ase´”

If it feels right, share your oath in the comments and let’s check in in a week to see how we managed to honor them. A promise to love and to let love win no matter the circumstance.

If you’re struggling with fear, anxiety, suicidal ideation or anything of the sort, seek help. I’m back in therapy because I recognize that it does help, especially in tandem with other self-care and thought shifting practices.

And if you’re in an emergency, call or text 988 (the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline). Seriously, your life and thoughts really do matter just like mine. I believe in us 🙂

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